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ike most people, I have given a lot of thought to just how I will take over the world. Unlike most people, I have begun to prototype the devices I will need to put my plan into action. I figure there's no harm in sharing these plans. But please do not steal my plans for taking over the world. If you want to take over the world, make your own plans. On the other hand, if you have any suggestions about how I could improve these plans, pass them along. Also, if you have plans for taking over the world that complement my plans for taking over the world, maybe we could work together.

If you don't have your own plans for taking over the world but don't want to be left out, I will need Power Team members and minions. The Power Team will be made up of a small group of people I trust to do the everyday business of world domination: running puppet courts, making sure mercenaries get paid, registering trademarks, arranging for catering, things like that. To be a member of the Power Team, you must be evil. If you have ever gone to a cocktail party and when the subject turned to evil you couldn't keep yourself from chuckling and rubbing your hands together, you qualify. Minions are a large group of people who follow orders and do menial tasks like assassinating my enemies, marching around in public looking tough, and guarding me at my home in the boonies. Minions don't necessarily need to be evil, but they don't mind doing evil if it pays the bills. You qualify. If you would like to be a member of the Power Team or a minion, let me know. Now here is the plan.

First, to take over the world I will need a lot of money. Rather than earn all of that money, I have decided that it is faster and easier just to win PowerBall. So I have invented the KenBall™. A prototype is pictured to the left. The KenBall™ is a gyroscopically controlled ball that can roll where it must in order to do my bidding. I will disguise my KenBalls™ as PowerBalls by painting numbers on their sides. Then my KenBalls™ will roll to where the PowerBall numbers are chosen, kill the actual PowerBalls, dispose of their ball bodies and assume their identities. Then, they will be the chosen balls during a PowerBall drawing and, voila!, I am rich! It would probably be a good idea to try to eliminate the stabilizing tail from the KenBalls™ before deployment. I will work on that in future versions. Also, I need to make the KenBalls™ faster so they can outrun dogs. Dogs just love them.

After I've won PowerBall and am filthy rich, I will hire hundreds of programmers to create a software system called .KEN™. The way .KEN™ works is complicated but here is the important part: before you can use .KEN™ software you have to establish a .KEN™ identity. That means you send me all your personal information.

This is just a means to an end. People will be worried about sending all their information to some software giant so I will establish a foolproof security procedure that requires that you log onto your computer using your EEG pattern. You just put on the .KEN™ hat to log in and the computer will automatically verify it's you before you can make purchases or anything. A prototype .KEN™ hat is pictured here. It would probably be a good idea to eliminate the stabilizing tail before production, but it is also very stylish.

Now that I have everyone's EEG patterns, I can control their minds. I will send all the People Who Matter™ a KenRing™ that can alter their brainwaves using a specially designed chip. I can control these KenRings™ using a master KenRing™ I own. A prototype is pictured here. There will be special Power Team and minion chips. It would be a good idea to eliminate the daughterboard before production. And maybe the ring should match the hat better.

Only People Who Matter™ will get a KenRing™. People Who Matter™ includes everyone except: (1) anyone who displays a singing trout in their house; and (2) poets. There is room on my list of people who are not People Who Matter™, so watch your step.

That's it. Once I can control the minds of People Who Matter™ I control the world.

 

Copyright © 2008 Kenneth Meier. All rights reserved.